Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. But managing anger can be a problem for many people who find it difficult to keep their anger under control.
Health issues linked to unresolved anger include high blood pressure, heart attack, depression, anxiety, colds, flu and problems with digestion.
But anger doesn’t have to be a problem. “You can control your anger, and you have a responsibility to do so,” says clinical psychologist Isabel Clarke, a specialist in anger management. “It can feel intimidating, but it can be energising too.”
When is anger a problem?
Anger becomes a problem when it creates trouble for you with other people, your work, your health, day-to-day living or the law. Anger is also a problem when other people around you are frightened, hurt or feel they cannot talk to you or disagree with you in case you become angry. Some signs that anger is a problem are outlined here.
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Anger involves verbal, emotional, physical or psychological abuse.
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You feel angry a lot of the time.
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People close to you are worried about your anger.
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Anger is leading to problems with personal relationships and work.
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You think you have to get angry to get what you want.
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Anger seems to get bigger than the event that set it off.
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Anger lasts for a long time, and well after the triggering event has passed.
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Anger affects other situations not related to the original event.
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You are becoming anxious or depressed about your anger.
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You are using alcohol or other drugs to try to manage your anger.
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You are getting angry with the people who are closest to you, or with people who are less powerful than you, rather than dealing with the situation that sparked off your anger in the first place.
When is anger a problem?
Fundamentally, anger becomes a problem when it starts harming you and those around you. This will depend on how you express your anger. If you are bottling it up, or expelling it at inappropriate times and in unsafe ways, you are risking damage not only to your health and well-being, but also to your relationships and other aspects of your daily life.
This can have devastating consequences in the longer term, and your aggression may escalate to the extent that your anger leads to other types of behaviour (i.e. responding in a passive aggressive way or even with physical abuse). You may also find that over time you get angry more quickly or too often, sometimes at the smallest things. If you get to the stage that you feel unable to control your anger, or let go of it constructively, that is when you need to consider professional help.
Some of the side effects of consistent uncontrolled or unresolved anger on your emotional, physical and mental health could include:
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depression
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anxiety
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low self-esteem
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eating disorders
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drug and/or alcohol abuse
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compulsive behaviour
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sleep problems and insomnia
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self-harm
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digestive problems (IBS)
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backache
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headaches
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skin disorders
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weakened immune system
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heart problems
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high blood pressure.
Another sign that your anger has become a problem is when your feelings of rage lead to destructive and violent behaviour. Expressing anger through aggression and violence can be very damaging and frightening to those around you, and can affect your relationships, your career, as well as the level of respect people have for you.
Why manage anger?
Anger is not usually a good solution to problems, even if it seems helpful in the short term. Unmanaged anger creates problems – sometimes for you and often for others around you. People with poor anger management are more likely to have problems with personal relationships or work, verbal and physical fights and/or damaged property. They can also experience anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, psychosomatic illnesses and problems with alcohol or drugs. It is important to manage anger before it leads to other serious problems.
Some people used to believe that venting anger was beneficial. Researchers have now found that ‘letting it rip’ actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to resolve the situation. On the other hand, sitting on your anger and not expressing it may lead to the pressure cooker experience that many people are familiar with. Expressing some feelings of anger in a controlled way, rather than bottling it up, gives you an opportunity to release some of your underlying feelings, so that you can start to tackle the issues that are making you angry.
Anger management
Anger management is the process of learning to recognize signs that you’re becoming angry, and taking action to calm down and deal with the situation in a positive way. Anger management doesn’t try to keep you from feeling anger or encourage you to hold it in. Anger is a normal, healthy emotion when you know how to express it appropriately — anger management is about learning how to do this.
When you start working on anger management, identify your triggers and the physical and emotional signs that occur as you begin to get angry. Pay attention to and make a list of:
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Stressors that commonly trigger or worsen your anger, such as frustration with a child or partner, financial stress, traffic issues, or problems with a co-worker
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Physical signs that your feelings of anger are rising — for example, clenching your jaw or driving too fast
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Emotional signs that your anger is on the rise, such as the feeling you want to yell at someone or that you’re holding in what you really want to say
Why it’s done
Anger management helps you recognize frustrations early and resolve them in a way that allows you to express your needs — and keeps you calm and in control.
Some signs that you need help controlling your anger include:
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The regular feeling that you have to hold in your anger
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Constant cynical, irritated, impatient, critical or hostile feelings
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Frequent arguments with your partner, children or co-workers that escalate frustrations
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Physical violence, such as hitting your partner or children or starting fights
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Threats of violence against people or property
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Out-of-control or frightening behavior, such as breaking things or driving recklessly
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Anxiety or depression about anger so that you withdraw
Anger management therapy
As aforementioned, anger issues can be triggered by a variety of factors. Understanding what they are and re-examining your thoughts around them can be among the first steps to managing anger and alleviating its side effects. These are some of the core principles of anger management therapy.
Anger management therapy is designed to reduce the feelings and arousal anger creates by allowing individuals to explore the underlying issues and triggers of angry outbursts. You may be encouraged to reassess some of the unhelpful beliefs about anger that may have been present in your family, and will need to confront how your anger is affecting your relationships and impacting your quality of life.
By recognising and accepting anger issues, you can begin to understand how to use anger in a healthy and safe manner to cope with injustices and grievances. You will be taught to pinpoint frustrations early on so they can be resolved in a way that allows you to express your needs while remaining calm and in control. Essentially, anger management can empower individuals to reach their goals, solve problems and have their needs met without allowing their angry emotions to take on a life of their own.
What to expect in anger management therapy
Anger management therapy is available in the form of group or one-to-one sessions – depending on the individual needs of the client(s) involved. Typically the counsellor will work to address specific types of anger issues (relationships, adolescent, parenting, work-related anger etc.) using methods such as cognitive behavioural therapy and mindfulness. Some clients may attend sessions on their own account, whilst others may be admitted by their doctor, the police or as part of a court-order resulting from a domestic or legal issue.
The main aims of anger management therapy are:
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Identify why a client gets angry (triggers).
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Change the way individuals respond to these triggers.
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Teach a client the skills to effectively handle anger triggers and keep calm when they feel anger surging.
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Teach clients to have their needs met in a healthy, assertive way.
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Teach clients how to transform unhealthy anger into healthy anger in order to motivate them to solve problems and find solutions.
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Teach clients how to communicate effectively to defuse anger and resolve conflicts.
Anger management classes tend to last between four and six weeks, although in some cases may take longer. Throughout sessions, clients will collaborate with the counsellor to learn specific skills and ways of thinking. These will be tailored to the individual needs of the client and their personal circumstances. Most anger management therapies also include homework projects, such as journal writing and various exercises that strengthen the techniques learned in sessions. These allow clients to practice anger management in real-life situations.
Tips to help manage anger
Identify triggers and warning signs of anger
The first step in being able to manage your anger is to recognise the situations that make you angry and identify your body’s warning signs of anger.
List things that can trigger your anger
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Make a list of the things that often set off your anger (for example, running late for an
appointment and not being able to find a car park, your teenager leaving dirty dishes in the sink or a co-worker blaming you for something you didn’t do). If you know ahead of time what makes you angry, you may be able to avoid these things or do something different when they happen.
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Notice the warning signs of anger in your body
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Notice the things that happen to your body that tell you when you are getting angry (for
example, heart pounding, face flushed, sweating, jaw tense, tightness in your chest or gritting your teeth). The earlier you can recognise these warning signs of anger, the more successful you will probably be at calming yourself down before your anger gets out of control.
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Learn strategies for managing anger
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There are a number of different ways of managing anger and some strategies will suit you better than others.
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Control your thinking
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When you’re angry, your thinking can get exaggerated and irrational. Try replacing these kinds of thoughts with more useful, rational ones and you should find that this has an effect on the way you feel. For example, instead of telling yourself ‘I can’t stand it, it’s awful and everything’s ruined’, tell yourself ‘It’s frustrating, and it’s understandable that I’m upset about it, but it’s not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it’.
Develop a list of things to say to yourself before, during and after situations that may make you angry. It is more helpful if these things focus on how you are managing the situation rather than what other people should be doing. Psychologists call this type of thinking ‘self talk’.
Before:
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‘I’ll be able to handle this. It could be rough, but I have a plan.’
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‘If I feel myself getting angry, I’ll know what to do.’
During:
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‘Stay calm, relax, and breathe easy.’
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‘Stay calm, I’m OK, s/he’s not attacking me personally.’
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‘I can look and act calm.’
After:
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‘I managed that well. I can do this. I’m getting better at this.’
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‘I felt angry, but I didn’t lose my cool.’
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Take time out
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If you feel your anger getting out of control, take time out from a situation or an argument. Try stepping out of the room, or going for a walk. Before you go, remember to make a time to talk about the situation later when everyone involved has calmed down. During a time out, plan how you are going to stay calm when your conversation resumes.
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Use distraction
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A familiar strategy for managing anger is to distract your mind from the situation that is making you angry. Try counting to ten, playing soothing music, talking to a good friend, or focusing on a simple task like polishing the car or folding laundry.
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Use relaxation
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Relaxation strategies can reduce the feelings of tension and stress in your body. Practise strategies such as taking long deep breaths and focusing on your breathing, or progressively working around your body and relaxing your muscles as you go.
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Learn assertiveness skills
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Assertiveness skills can be learnt through self-help books or by attending courses. These skills ensure that anger is channelled and expressed in clear and respectful ways. Being assertive means being clear with others about what your needs and wants are, feeling okay about asking for them, but respecting the other person’s needs and concerns as well and being prepared to negotiate. Avoid using words like ‘never’ or ‘always’ (for example, ‘You’re always late!’), as these statements are usually inaccurate, make you feel as though your anger is justified, and don’t leave much possibility for the problem to be solved.
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Try to acknowledge what is making you angry
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Acknowledge that a particular issue has made you angry by admitting it to yourself and others. Telling someone that you felt angry when they did or said something is more helpful than just acting out the anger.
Make sure you think about who you express your anger to, and take care that you aren’t just dumping your anger on the people closest to you, or on people who are less powerful than you (for example, don’t yell at your partner, children, dog or cat when you are really angry with your boss).
Sometimes it can help to write things down. What is happening in your life? How do you feel about the things that are happening? Writing about these topics can sometimes help give you some distance and perspective and help you understand your feelings. Work out some options for changing your situation.
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Rehearsing anger management skills
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Use your imagination to practise your anger management strategies. Imagine yourself in a situation that usually sets off your anger. Imagine how you could behave in that situation without getting angry. Think about a situation where you did get angry. Replay the situation in your mind and imagine resolving the situation without anger.
Try rehearsing some anger management strategies with a friend. Ask them to help you act out a situation where you get angry, so that you can practise other ways to think and behave. Practise saying things in an assertive way.
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Seeking professional assistance
You can seek help from an APS psychologist if you feel your anger is out of control. Your APS psychologist can assess if your anger is a problem, and help you understand your anger. Together, you can work out how to get what you want in a better way. They can also advise you about other resources to help manage your anger, such as support groups, books and courses. Your APS psychologist can also help you manage other problems that may be associated with anger, such as depression, violence or difficulties in your personal relationships.
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